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[18 Dec 2011|12:29am] |
Wow. I saw Revolver at, as far as I can tell right now, the time in my life at which it most accurately represents the true state of my mind, in every aspect. I've never had a movie feel so much like it is about my life specifically. I love all the symbolism it has, how good of an actor Statham is, and the fact that Guy Ritchie didn't go to film school.
"I can hear you."
"..."
"I can hear you."
"what?"
"I can hear you. I'm onto you."
"..."
This is basically what happens when I try to meditate. It's hard, trying to meditate regularly. Really hard. I don't know what it is that makes it so difficult for me; it seems like when I try to do it upon waking I am too sleepy and fall asleep, and the same thing happens if I try to do it soon before bed, and any time in between there are just so many distractions.
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[21 Aug 2011|10:47pm] |
"I was always fighting for myself and you were always fighting for yourself. We've been working so hard but somewhere along the line we got crushed, you know, somewhere along, we all get crushed. And no one ever gave up on us. And we just don't see.. we didn't see.. I mean-we've ALWAYS seen the people that are rooting for us! I've ALWAYS loved my bother! I've always loved my dad! And, you know, what I'm saying is you've always loved people back.. you just haven't been SHARING yourself! You think being selfish means taking from others. Being selfish means not sharing yourself! It doesn't mean not giving things! It means not sharing YOURSELF!!"
Wow. I just kind of sat there dumbfounded. I just have to agree. Gotta stop being selfish.
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| the only good nihilist is a dead nihilist |
[04 Jul 2011|11:04pm] |
as a nietzschean godless heathen sinning hedonist atheist, i derive more motivation and meaning from within than some other people. in a big-picture, life-direction sort of way, this can be both an advantage and a disadvantage. it can also be pretty scary.
i think i've pretty much gotten what tolstoy was trying to say about this subject, and this is how i've interpreted it:
there is no objective meaning to life. if there is also no subjective meaning to life, then you are reduced to two logical options:
the first is to kill yourself. this rarely happens, though, even with self-proclaimed nihilists. a true nihilist wouldn't fear anything at all, even suicide and death. but, like it or not, fear can contribute a pretty strong subjective meaning to life. tolstoy found himself in this category of a meaningless existence while being unable to off himself.
the second option is only available if you have a meaningless existence AND are still alive AND it's not due to cowardice. if you find yourself here then you are a rarity indeed. you're still alive with the ultimate goal of ending all human life before ending your own.
tolstoy couldn't find a subjective meaning. then he decided that christianity was the key to a life of rich meaning.
we all need to find meaning for ourselves. i feel like a lot of the meaning for a lot of people is based on the people around them; social pressures and fitting in and what have you. if i saved a bunch of money and decided to live out my days as a heroin junkie, neither hurting nor imposing anything on anyone, would i be pitied? looked down upon? why? is it not morally defensible, if that is what i decide is most important and meaningful in my own life?
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